zee past...
i can understand how u wanted me to -be..
..it is after years of - seclusion.. i was able to find my - 0
the balance : where i can truely be in 'now'..
without - 'past' - dragging me down.
it is the irony of 'neutral'..
it is hard to be in 'neutral'..
neutral in this 'gestalt'..
looks likey this
↖️ ⬆️ ↗️
⬅️ ❇️ ➡️
↙️ ⬇️ ↘️
it means : u can go to any - dimesion - past, future - why , how ..
and feels of dem
in any given 'time'..
it is the key to self discovery..
but it wont seem likey it..
think about your best moments in life..
did dey come : wen u were 'told' to do something..
and u succeeded?
...those would be the 'illusion'..
those moments of happy or 'approval'..
are an external force.
u were made to 'act' and 'feel' : what came after it..
good - became memory
bad - became forgettable.
mee best moments : came from wen i acted on my own will.
and the results : were mine to bear.
that is the kind of 'happy' or living in 'now'..which i discovered..
after all that jobs, travel, people...
it became an - addiction - approval / money - incentive/leverage etx..
it became about why i loved computers..
and mechanical keyboards..
it was the love discovered in abosulte dump of computer lab..
in my middkel klass - skool ..
where my teacher would maintain dem - meticulously..
with 'best' of what was possible - on terminal rented at rs 25 /month.
it was what the computer : allowed us to do.
the mechanical keyboards - different broken kinds of dem.
became a quest - to find the 'best' sort of combination..
it was my kind of happy.
it dint require any - approval..
and i could do it for - hours.
this telco/google baldies - hores of gratitude..
was me undoing the illusion of few 15 years..
ever since i became a profitable cow for dem - lowlie balding elderly idiots.
it all came from 'now'...
and it is easier - said than done.
but now - it is done.
as we go along - lets see earns more ..and succeeds..
spoiler - it doesnt matter.
i dint start this compete - was already above it...
but it would be 'fun' : rubbing it in - seeing u struggle..
the last few years were me dealing with ptsd of 'average' and 'ugly' - undeserving.
further thoughts...
that google job - was just global realization of the same..
i thoth - peeps acted 'cheap' coz of lack of 'money'...
...it was same middkle klass - making same 'choices'..
for scarcity of losing it - the money,fame etx..
it was a realization - money helps, but cant 'create' - new or happy.