Surviving : day to day is quite : simple..
you never get to think...
that was easy ... the tactics were physical..
predictable..
did fall for the 'food enhancements' and some 'weird stuff'...
To be honest - the rebirth : was as real as it gets.
It is weird relief : knowing people are better off without u..
really it is ... dark, yet freedom as time goes by..
lessons : make sense ...
i tend to learn at somewhat unorganic rate..
this time, i wanted this 0 journey - to mean something..
and it had to : coz 1st year : was 0-- year..
trust : had to be broken down to 0...
to make me see God of some kind..
logic : when i wanted it ...
but needed it...
it is a weird sort of journey..
in my delusions and public records..
i never wrote anything worthwhile..
or got time to do anything public - good enough to show..
my parameters : were still driven by 'approval' ..
of hidden competition - frens and familia..
Survival was easy.
Purpose was difficult.
Why : most scary question to ask to urselves..
it takes a different kind of fearlessness : to ask questions for your failure..
i asked them all : when i was ready for it..
and the logic : my kind appeared..
this whole journey : is delusional...
intution : too small a word to define it..
it was logic of pure kinds : an engineers' logic
Maybe that was the plan all along - a divine plan?
😀
further thoughts...
i do believe : it would help a lot of kids...
future : makes it 'worth' it.
On some level : i do believe : giving up on peeps : is like a soul sacrifice.. l-1 kinds
when there is no option : it is enlightening.
It somewhat made me relook the idea of 'sacrifice'...
emotional and material ... that needs some bleh blah too.